i used baking grease as lip gloss
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
