remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
