I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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