Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
