Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
