She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
