Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
