The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
