Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
