my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
