Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
