I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Alive.
So much puke
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
