Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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