she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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