ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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