You're my little dorito
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
