Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
