I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
