Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
