My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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