You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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