I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
