get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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