So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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