Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
