the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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