cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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