It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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