If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
