found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
