Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
