Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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