Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
