I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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