So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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