i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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