Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
