I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize