Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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