the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
