Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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