I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
