I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
