I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
