god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
