shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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