My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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