I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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