Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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