Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
did i walk over a car last night?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
