Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
