He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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