If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Actions speak louder than pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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