I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
