How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
