last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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