Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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